It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
