just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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