So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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