Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize
