And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
