I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Who died my cat blue again?
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