YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
