3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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