OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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