So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
