My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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