If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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