I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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