I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
