margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
