We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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