omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
