i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
