Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
