Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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