so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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