She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I am one with the molecules
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
