I want to make a zoo with you.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
