Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
