Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
