Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize