4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
