i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
