I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It's never too late to be topless.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
