Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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