perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
