Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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