We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
