My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize