I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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