i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize