I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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