chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
