There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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