Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
