We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
