Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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