My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
