you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
