The maid of honor just puked.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
