So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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