WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
