i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
