i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
