I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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