I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
