found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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