I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
