I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
third nipple confirmed
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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