dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
