I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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